Sunday, January 20, 2008

My hip bones are connected, apparently, to my shoulder bones

I was standing in front of the mirror this morning, straight from the shower, crying looking at the enormous changes to my body. It's amazing how quickly the human body can become reconfigured.

My hip bones have taken up a new residence since I last talked to them. Apparently they were tired of their old address and decided to move...without discussing it with the landlord (me) first! It appears that hip bones have had a falling out of sorts because they moved further apart from each other. I wonder what could have possibly come between them that made them want to be distant neighbors?

Another crazy thing that happened to my body was that waist got lost somewhere. I looked and looked this morning for waist but couldn't find it anywhere. I hope it is just on a trip and comes back soon. We miss waist and felt waist was a vital part of our team.

Without waist to separate hip bones and everything above them, it looks like hip bones are somehow connected to shoulder bones...hip bones and shoulder bones are more like acquaintances, they get along for a while, but really need their best friend, waist to even things back out.

I heard someone say that missing parts or parts on a trip sometimes hang out at the gym. I figured it was worth a shot to go look for waist there. The person that told me about the lost and found gym said that I can take extra parts there too. Well, hallelujah! I don't know how, but saggy butt somehow joined our team! I do not remember inviting saggy butt to our house, but, being the good landlord that I am, I have let saggy butt hang around until I can find it a new residence. I am hoping that I can drop it off at the gym one day and not have it follow me home. I know we will all be glad to see saggy butt gone...it takes up too much space!

And don't even get me started about the most disgruntled member of the "house"! Chest is completely uncooperative! She (yes, chest has a gender) is constantly leaking. I don't know what her problem is, but I am going to have to call maintenance if this keeps up. And if she could just stay in the area that is designated hers that would be helpful too. But, she must miss waist because that is where she is heading.

So, I am off to the gym tomorrow. I might have to look for waist for a while and I don't know how long it is going to take me to give saggy butt the shake off, but I will prevail! The only reason I haven't been able to look for my missing parts yet is because Nora and Elyn have had colds. I wonder if they have had anything to do with all the craziness that has gone on with my body. Hmmmmmmm....

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17 comments:

Laura said...

Dallas, you are BEAUTIFUL! and as you reminded me last time I told you this... No, I haven't seen you naked. But whatever. :)

Richard and I are also going to try to get committed to going to the gym this week! I have some extra baggage I'd like to get rid of myself!

~aj~ said...

Bless your heart! Motherhood is such a blessing, but it definitely has an effect on the bod. I can definitely sympathize!

This post was SO funny!

Amy said...

Oh, Dallas, so funny! You know, I've just had one baby and I feel your pain, particularly about the hip bones drifting further and further apart. What's the deal?
You look great in the photos I've seen!

Elizabeth said...

Girl, I am with you! I found your blog recently...so good to see what you are up to!

Elizabeth Ray Patterson

Cassie said...

Very Funny! I mean not really - I completely understand! They way you write about it is funny! Hang in there.

Nicola and James said...

Well said, Dallas! My waist isn't so much lost, as it is hidden... hidden under layers of warmth for the cold winter. Hmmm, what will be my excuse come summertime?!

donna said...

Dallas you are so beautiful . . . and so funny!

Karie said...

hilarious and i can sooooo sympathize!!! i am very much dreading the after the shower look in the mirror after baby #3 gets here in a few weeks!!! unfortunately those things get harder to find and harder to get rid of after each child!!! especially love the analogy that the chest is missing the waist!!! i second what others have said, you look great!

Michael Ann said...

Dallas,

I love your post and at least you have a chest to go somewhere. After my two boys got through with it, it just disappeared entirely. I mean I have nothing on a 12 year old girl. It's so sad, really. You look beautiful! loved your post!

Deborah said...

This could totally be an article in Parents magazine. You are hilarious! And I ditto what so many others have said--I think you look incredible.

Whitney said...

Girl, you are cracking me up! But I'll admit that you are scaring me a little bit as well! This momma-to-be is not liking what you're saying (nor the fact that all of these other mothers can sympathize!) WHAT HAVE I DONE???? Just kidding!

Amy S. said...

You should seriously write a book or SOMETHING. That was hilarious!! And we all know (who have had children) EXACTLY what you are talking about. Thank goodness we have our precious children to show for it!

Kimberly said...

You are hillarious! So well written and brilliant!
I wish you could find breasts at the gym! Mine aren't showing any signs of leakage because they seem to have disappeared since childbirth.

Jenn said...

I'm so with you girl! Although, my girls and I wear about the same bra size right now and they are ages 6 and 4!! I want all of the new years' workouters to give up on their resolutions so that my gym will go back to normal and the kid care won't be so full!!! Okay, I don't really WANT them to give up, I just want the kid care to not be so stinkin' full and I want to get on a treadmill when I get there!
Well written, Dallas....like the mother of children!!!

Jamie Chitty said...

Great Post! But I am sure that you look beautiful. But this post does not really make me excited about having a baby one day.

Sandi said...

This is great, Dallas. You are hilarious, and of course, we can all relate.

Dallas said...

Girl..I feel for you! This may be the funniest thing I have read in a very long time!!

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