Solutions not required

Before I begin this post, I want to let you know that I write these things not to get comments of sympathy or concern. I write this for me, to get my feelings out, to vent, to put it to rest.

Okay, now that I have my disclaimer written...here I go:

I have apologized to Matthew today. Because I have been AWFUL to live with. I'm pretty sure I have been NO fun to be around the past 2-3 days. You know, they say you are hardest on those you love the most. I guess that is true. Actually, I have been so disgruntled lately that when I did apologize for my surly ways Matthew says, "I hope you're not pregnant."

Don't worry honey, I'm not.

But, his statement was an eye-opener for me. My attitude has been that of a hormonal pregnant woman. The only difference is that I was very aware of how I was acting. While pregnant, I am completely oblivious to my mood changes.

A few months after Elyn was born, I wrote about feeling down in the dumps. I chalked it up to post-partum. And over the next month or so, my mood improved dramatically and I was over the hump.

Honestly, I think one of the reasons that my mood improved is because I wrote out my feelings.

And had long conversations with Matthew.

And God.

So, now I am back in a little funk. And I am back to therapy...writing out my feelings, talking to Matthew, and talking to God.

It has taken me many years to understand that one does not have to be or need to be happy all the time. Oh, sure it would be nice. But would it really be healthy? God has given us emotions for a reason. For goodness sake, His own Son experienced a myriad of emotions and was very vocal at times in expressing them. So why do we feel the need to keep our emotions bottled up? And why do we have trouble sharing with those around us?

I am happy!

I am happy with my life. I love my husband and daughters with my whole being! I can't think of a better place to be than with them. I love the honesty that flows in our home. I am thankful that I am able to go to Matthew, unashamed, and tell him how I am feeling. I love that he accepts me for my feelings. I love that he tries to come up with a solution...although I tell him I don't need a solution, I just need an ear. He tries to come up with a solution because he loves me and he wants to help.

Even though I have all of that, I still get down sometimes. And do you know why?

I AM HUMAN.

Yep, I am and with that comes all of my flaws, insecurities, imperfections, irrational thoughts, hurt feelings, and so many other ugly things.

But, I have God. And He loves me in spite of those things. I am thankful that I have Matthew that I can go to and talk with. But, my relationship with Matthew would be nothing without my relationship with God. BEFORE I go to Matthew, I need to remember to go to God and lay my everything at His feet. He does not promise a solution, but does promise an ear. He knows what I need.

I used to think that if I just surrounded myself with enough friends, with enough activities, with enough...something, that I would never feel blah. Well, that just is never going to happen.

I can guarantee you that the person with the most friends, the most events to attend, the most everything, still has days where they just feel down.

And that is OKAY! We are not asked to be 100% all the time.

So, I am here to tell you, I am feeling down. I am not feeling 100%. But, actually, since I have started writing, I am already feeling better. Crazy how that works.

Don't worry about me. I'm normal. Actually, I am just like you. When is the last time you felt a smidge down? I bet it wasn't that long ago. But, I bet that you have your own therapy. Aren't you glad!

I'm going to watch a movie with my husband now. That sounds like a bit of therapy to me too.