Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I am Loretta (only my family will know who that is)

For those of you who have been around a while, you might remember that when I turned 30 I had a hard time wrapping my mind around entering a new decade.

I quickly figured out that being in ones 30's is not that bad. I'm older, I'm wiser.

Right? That's what they say so I'll go with it.

Last year when I turned 31, I was surprisingly calm. I went about my 31st birthday as if it were just another day. Well, another day with cake involved and some presents given to me.

Two weeks from yesterday I turn 32.


That seems quite old to me.

When I was 8 years old, I remember being at my grandparent's house practicing my multiplication tables (the 4's). For some reason, I was having a very hard time remembering what 4x8 was. My mom, who had just had a birthday, asked me, "How old am I?"

"Well, you're 32."

"That's right. And you're 8. So, when you see 4x8, maybe you can just remember that you are 8 and I am 32."

And I did. And I still do. When I see 4x8 (or 8x4), I always remember that conversation and think of the year my mom was 32.

What I also remember is how OLD she was!!!!! (sorry mom!) When I wrote "32" as my answer on my times table test, I remember thinking that I might as well write 102, because 32 and 102 basically were the same thing. Both were OLD!!!!

Guess what, I'm about to be 102.

I have seen subtle changes in my body this year. And by subtle, I mean reality has hit me in the face like an 18-wheeler going down the road at 90 mph and hitting a cement wall. That kind of subtle.

1. Losing weight is nearly impossible. I just completed a HALF-MARATHON and during my 6 months of training...I lost approximately 2 pounds. It was nice knowing you metabolism, wish you would have stuck around a little bit longer.

2. What the history/physics books don't tell us is that Sir Isaac Newton had some help with the theory of gravitation. His WIFE probably got him thinking about such things. One day, she was in the bathroom, looking in her vanity, complaining about her body. "I just don't understand it Ike. It seems like with each passing year different parts of my body seem to sag a little bit more. Do you see my eyes? See how they are drooping right here? I swear that last week they were in a different spot. And don't even get me started on my boobs and butt! I tell you Ike, it's like a strange force has taken over my body. I sure wish there was a name for it." And that is how Sir Isaac Newton became famous.

3. I've mentioned before that my memory is shot. Gone. Probably never coming back. I blame kids AND age. Sigh. It's a miracle I remember what 4x8 is.

4. And finally, today, I stumbled upon the straw that is about to break this old camel's back. I was getting all gussied up (brushing my teeth and putting on clean clothes) to go eat lunch with Matthew. Lucky guy, that Matthew, I go all out for him. As I was pulling my hair back into a ponytail, I noticed a highlight that I hadn't seen before.

[Flashback: Last June, I completely quit coloring my hair. I put a dark wash on it and then went cold turkey. I was tired of the maintenance of keeping up with my roots and was also trying to save some money. Never in my life had I been brunette but I gave it a shot. And I liked it. It was easier and it was natural.]

I got closer to the mirror to investigate this new highlight. As I am inching closer to my reflection I am thinking, "Do I actually have some blonde coming in? Lucky me!" (Oh, sweet naive Dallas.)

Upon much closer inspection I saw a WHITE hair. Surrounded by other white hairs. I nearly, and I'm not kidding, passed out. First thought?


I might as well start looking into nursing homes that will allow an almost 32-year-old woman to live there. Because I have WHITE hair. Not gray. WHITE.

I think, if it had been gray, I wouldn't have overreacted. Gray is like the step before white.

White hair is my 92-year-old Nannie. And she had bad hips. And lived in a nursing home. And did not like small children. Or adults.

So, if you are looking for something to get me for my birthday, it seems like a cane or walker would be appropriate. Because I am one step away from breaking my hip and having to have a replacement surgery.

Guess who is getting her hair cut and colored on the 24th? Yep. Nannie.


Julie Walker said...

Dallas, that was one of your funniest post yet. 32 is NOT old and you are so beautiful! Quit beating yourself up Nannie. Happpy early birthday!

Misti said...

Girl! You look amazing everytime I see you! You have nothing to worry about. I, on the other hand, am experiencing adult acne and was told yesterday that I need braces to fix my bite. BRACES! I'm going through that ugly, awkward teenage stage again! Good times!

Sara said...

HA! I'm right there with you on the woes of aging. My biggest complaint is my hair. While I still maintain highlighting since I am a natural blonde (in all sense of the word), I have a new growth of white hair in certain spots. AND the bad thing about white hair, it changes the texture of your hair. My once smooth straight hair has taken on a lovely texture of frizz. Just keep on pulling those pesky hairs out!!

TeamBortzfield said...

Dallas I hope you age like your Mama. Thanks to your math equation I just figured out your Mom was 42 when you were 18 and she was smokin! I mean hot not actually smoking, unless she really did smoke in that case she hid it well...Anywho umm Happy Birthday!

Hello blog buddies! It's me, Crouse! said...

you are so goofy! quit weighing yourself! you look great. that is awesome about your gym commitment. love you!

Rachel said...

That was one of your best posts!!! If you ever want to ever color your hair yourself, find me, I can hook you up =)!

Julie said...

I laughed when reading about Nannie, ah memories. I will have Jay mail you his walker when he's done with it. Also, we have a 3-in-1 toilet chair in our attic you are welcomed to use:)

Dallas said...

I wish I was going to be 32!!!!

Jenn said...

You are cracking me up! I say that as I am about to go in the bathroom and color my hair to cover up those pesky gray hairs that are right in the front and they love to stick up!! I have 3 words for them....Grace, Susie and Parker!! They gave me gray and took away my memory...Love them!! :) Happy Almost 32...Oh, to be 32 again, sigh! :) he he he

Whitney said...

This was a great post- and I totally sympathize with you. I just turned 33 and it was no fun, my friend. I hate having to put "32" into the cardio machines at the gym- i do it fast so nobody will see! And as for the white hair, well I've had some gray for a while, but more and more appear everyday. I've never colored my hair, but might have to start soon- it's getting obvious. Ugh, getting old stinks.

Lane said...

Oh Dallas! I was cracking up at this post! You are like me...we don't like getting "old"! (don't roll your eyes!:) 27 is OLD to me!!) Regardless of what you think, you look great!!

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