Thursday, May 06, 2010


I have sent years 2006 and 2007 of my blog off to the printer shop. It is my Mother's Day gift from my mom. I'm hoping to be caught up on turning all of my years into book form before the year is over.

In turning my blog into book form, I was able to revisit what I had written. I am so glad that I took the time to write about the girls and add some pictures. The thing I was happiest about though were the posts that contained my feelings.

I had forgotten how stressed/emotional/at the end of my rope I was when Elyn was born (Thank you God for letting me forget!). I am thankful (yes, I am) that I have those thoughts/feeling written down.

I'm sure Nora and Elyn will enjoy reading about my near break-down one will amuse them.

So, I have decided that I need to do a better job of making my feelings/thoughts permanent...because they will change and I will forget that I ever had them.

This is what has been on my heart/mind lately...

In the Spring of 2005 I found out that I was pregnant...UNEXPECTEDLY pregnant. Matthew and I were surprised, scared and excited.

Sadly, 6 weeks after we found out about the pregnancy, it ended.

We were sad but realized, we were ready to be parents! Those 6 weeks helped us determine that our next role was to be "mom and dad".

Happily, 6 weeks after the miscarriage we got pregnant again. I was 7 weeks along before we found out because, well, it was a surprise. We didn't "plan" on it.

Nora was our surprise.

Ten months later we got the surprise of our lives.


Elyn continues to surprise us today.

Three times we have been pregnant, three times we haven't thought about the "process" of getting pregnant, three times we have been surprised.

Since February 2009 we have been trying to get pregnant again but...

SURPRISE, we have not been able to get pregnant.

At first, those first two-three months, I was very shocked. Are you kidding me? It's easy to make a baby...right?

The next few months, I was sad. Really sad. I only talked to Matthew about it, it was just about us. I mentioned it to my doctor at my October visit and he said, "Oh, you'll get pregnant, just keep trying."

Um, ok, but that's not the problem.

Now, how do I feel each month? Well, honestly, a little bit relieved, a little bit annoyed, a little bit mad, a little bit surprised, a little bit curious as to why it's not working.

I mean, seriously, we KNOW how to do this...we have a track record...we are experienced.

Apparently, just because you have knowledge doesn't mean that you have power.

There are many ways to get power though. I know that I could go see my doctor and he would write me a prescription for a medicine that might help speed the process along.

If we were trying for our very first baby, and had been trying for 14 months with no success, then I would definitely take the drugs!

But, we have two little girls, two healthy little girls.

I think we are choosing to continue trying "naturally". That is what will work best for our family.

I bought some ovulation sticks and tried those. They put pressure on me. I charted my temperature for a little while. Again, pressure.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...that's about how I feel about it.

So, blog book 2010, this is what is going on...for 14 months.

I am almost at the point that I think I truly would be surprised if we did get pregnant.

And maybe that is what God is waiting for, for us to quit scheduling and timing and just wait on Him for His surprise for us.

That surprise might be another baby in a few months or years or...

it's the surprise that our family is now complete.

And if our family is complete, well, surprise. But it is the first of many, many surprises that God has in store for us. Our family of four has many surprises coming our way, I'm sure.

But, who knows, maybe one day I'll title a post again with...


and it's because we are about to become a family of five.

Only God knows.


Holly Aytes said...

My first thought when I read that post title was "she's pregnant"! I love the idea of having my blog turned into a book, how do you go about doing that? Don't you just love surprises! Madison was our surprise! I used to think it was easy to get pregnant, I mean it seems like everyone is pregnant! I have watched my sister for the last 19 months try and try only to be disappointed each month and realize that for some it isn't easy. Sure wish I could give her my fertility gene. Praying for you that you have peace with whatever happens. BTW, I love reading your blog!

Amy said...

We've been thru a VERY similar experience and made a very similar decision. For now. And I too just haven't blogged about. just couldn't. But sometimes I think my life is about letting go of my plans and accepting God's surprises. Certainly everything about Luke's like has been God's surprise and not my plan. Prayers for ya'll.

Marty Rhea Hill said...

That was a great post. I loved it and I love your family of 4 and I will love your family of five or six or seven. You could have triplets. Who knows???? God does. :) I love you!

Kim said...

Well, who would've thought, right? Of course, I had no idea. But, I will confess, every time I check you blog I expect some baby news.
Dallas, I can only say that I know-not how you feel-but also how it feels to be in the "I want to be pregnant and I'm not" category.
Although I went through years of infertility before the first, we also went through it after CG. We tried for almost a year after and as you know, nothing.
So, I'll just say that I will add you to my thoughts and prayers concerning this matter and that with my whole heart I believe baby #3 is most certainly and very soon on the way.

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3

Hello blog buddies! It's me, Crouse! said...

I had no idea, but how would I??? Emily was definitely a surprise, and this will be our first month/time to "try". I wonder how it will go? This freaked me out! I had already "decided" that if we didn't "get" pregnant I will wait a year because I have to work, and I need my maternity leave to run into the summer. The guilt from putting an 8 week old in daycare was horrible for me. I feel so selfish and like a control freak after reading your selfless, God is in control blog today - I need peace as well. I also FBed you today because Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas was on lifetime! Do you remember that summer that you came and stayed? I was still in Searcy, and you shared your book? Loved (love) that book. It's funny though how after you read a book and then you see the movie it's never as good as how you see it in your imagination. Felt the same about The Notebook. Here's hoping that we both experience the joy of motherhood (again) in the next month!!!!!!! Love you Dallas!

TeamBortzfield said...

Waiting is hard. You can help your surprise feel like more of a surprise by buying a non refundable vacation package a few months out, or by giving away all of your maternity clothes and baby stuff.
If and when you get your surprise you'll notice it's exactly when you needed it and exactly who you were meant to have. Even if it's just the two you already have. Love you Dallas!

Sara said...

As you may or may not know, I had to have help with the fertility doctor with both of my kids. It took 6 times of meds/procedures before we had our Laura and only once with Grant. It was a rough road for us--heatbreaking at times, but also a true testament to God's faithfulness. I'm glad you are feeling at peace right now and giving God the reigns to guide your journey! Thanks for sharing!

Traci said...

10 years of infertility and 3 round of in-vitro. We have Tori and after the first attempt. Back in October we tried for the last time and no luck. We were finished and I was heartbroken. God had other plans, I was pregnant in January! This is our miracle and it's always in God's time. My prayers are with you, I know how hard it is on a monthly basis. It can consume you. Thanks for sharing your feelings. So many of us experience very similiar experieces.

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